She practiced silence and solitude for a day…what happens next will shock you!

Sorry, the Millennial, click-bait victim in me always wanted to start an article that way. Nothing is shocking in this post. I should probably tell you now that I spent 7 hours on a personal silent retreat and nothing really happened, per se. Please stick with me though because there is still an important takeaway.

Time with God is always worthwhile and fruitful. But sometimes, when we talk about spiritual disciplines or seeking time to encounter God, people envision some kind of Christian spirit quest that sounds more mystical than it is. Yes, I am rooted in the Christian Mystic tradition (as are most contemplative practitioners.) But here, within the Christian tradition, the disciplines are not connected to the modern, secular understanding of mysticism nor its consumeristic patterns.

Sadly, I didn’t receive any visions, I didn’t hear the audible voice of God and I wasn’t able to conjure my *patronus.

*For those of you offended by this last part, I’m obviously kidding…for those who are Harry Potter fans, my patronus is an otter.)

 In all seriousness I think it’s really important to tell you how wonderfully uneventful these times can be. Our motivations when entering into any Spiritual Discipline is really important and impacts our corresponding formation.

I know I have said this many times before but it bears repeating, if you think praying harder, longer, while fasting or lying prostrate will bend God’s will then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Similarly, if you enter into a day of solitude, expecting God to provide a warm and fuzzy, supernatural experience, you will likely be disappointed. What’s worse is you may miss the less conventionally supernatural ways that Holy Spirit moves. I confess, I have learned this the hard way.

As I began my day of solitude in the parking lot of the lodge by pray before getting out of the car. My mind immediately went to asking God to reveal Himself in new ways to me and asking Him to give me the answers to some stuff I had been wrestling with. I felt like I needed a supercharged spiritual experience to fill me up as the isolation I have been feeling since the covid restrictions were pit into place has been wearing me down.

The Holy Spirit gently corrected me as soon as I prayed that prayer. I assume it was Holy Spirit because it is really unlike me to rebuke myself so calmly and wisely. The words “maybe you should not tell God what your expectations are for the day and use this time to worship Him instead…for no reason other than He deserves to be worshipped” came to me. I confronted in that moment, before me feet had even left the car that by the earthly motivations and expectations I was putting at the front of my retreat. The Creator of the universe is not obligated to reveal Himself in any particular way because I schedule Him to do so…and I needed to be ok with whatever was on His agenda, even if it was more subtle and less self-serving than I hoped. This God-centred (rather than self-centred) motivation is what I was referencing before as a distinction between Disciplines rooted in the Christian Mystic tradition versus New Age Mysticism.

New Age practices meditate on self and “empty out.” New Age Mysticism seeks self fulfilment and self actualization. A Christian Spiritual Discipline asks to filled up by the Spirit, welcoming more of God and less of ourselves. It seeks fulfilment and actualization in the Kingdom of God and the work of Christ. So, as hard as it was, I pushed aside my list of prayer requests (just for that moment) and responded with a prayer of submission to whatever God had for me and began my silent retreat,

And that’s the end of the story, it was a perfect day and I am now a perfect Christian. Ha! 

What really happened is I spent the majority of my day avoiding the silence portion of the “solitude and silence practice.” Of all the Spiritual Disciplines I find silence the hardest. In fact, I really don’t like it and am still working on sorting through my fears here. Outside of silence, prayer days are easy. Spending a day alone when you are a mother of three children is a treat. I study Scripture, I listen to worship music, I journal and sketch, I spend time in nature and worship God by staring in awe at the beauty of His creation. Staring at mountains and singing worship songs is great but again, for me it is easy. I can use this as a spiritual small talk and avoid confronting my fear and convictions. The conversation with God can sound a bit like this:

Jesus-  “why are you avoiding the silence? Should we talk about what you are afraid of?”

Me – “Wow, look at those clouds! Let’s talk about those instead.”

Who needs to think about existential issues when you can just look at the clouds and listen to Lauren Daigle?

As I walked down the beautiful forest path, listening to worship music and telling myself “this is great, everything is great,” I knew it wasn’t what I came here to do. So, reluctantly, I locked my phone, my earbuds and even my Bible in the car. I brought nothing with me except the keys to my car. You see as long as I’m singing or listening to music, I can avoid actual dialogue with Jesus. As long as I’m reading Scripture, I easily go into study+learn mode where others more easily let the word of God guide their prayers. I get that others may not have the same experience or issue, but for me personally, as someone who LOVES study and to confront things cerebrally and as someone who defaults to approaching problems as a knowledge issue rather than heart issue…I had to even take away my own Bible because I really will do ANYTHING but sit in the silence and be still before the Lord. There are actually so many ways to spend time with God and avoid being “still.” I have become very good at it. So when I sat out on the beach, in silence and allowed myself to just sit in the uncomfortableness I felt, I hated it. 

“Should we talk about what you are afraid of?”

True to my personality I dove in from there. “Ok, Jesus, let’s do this!” I spoke out all the things that terrify me about the discipline of silence. 

• I’m scared that if I sit quietly and wait for God to speak, He won’t. And that will shake my faith in either Him or His love for me.  
• I’m scared, that like most things in my life, my childhood trauma and insecure attachment will controls my spiritual life and then that my prayers will sound like a child that constantly needs to be assured and I don’t want to hear my own vulnerability or worry I’m annoying God.
• I’m scared that all the other Christians are having deeply spiritual experiences where they are basically walking hand in hand with Jesus and hearing all the things, and I’m sitting out here by myself hearing nothing, feeling nothing and frankly terrified about what that all means.

I said it all to Him. And by saying it I have already met the threat of shame and taken a little of the power away from these fears. Of course, it was not news to Jesus. There are no parts of me or me thoughts that are unknown to the Lord. He already knew I felt all those fears (Pslam 139: 4.) Not saying them or facing them does nothing to hide them from God but it does give them more power to hurt me. I would have loved for the heavens to open up and for God to have revealed Himself in a really big and supernatural way, but He didn’t. He has actually been really quiet lately and I felt angry, and annoyed and then sad and the silence made all those feelings come right to the surface. I cried. And I prayed that God would make my faith like seeds planted in deep earth. I felt like the Holy Spirit reminded me of the prayer I spoke out at the beginning of my day: “to submit to whatever God had for me.” Did you know submission is also Spiritual Discipline? Yep, and boy does it ever take practice. 

When my day had ended and I was driving home I maintained my silence and as I did so many thoughts poured into my mind. They stirred and poked at the questions I have had about fear, calling and where God was leading me. I remember thinking “really God, now? I don’t even have my journal or my Bible highlighters!” But that’s the thing, the God of the universe is not obligated to reveal Himself when we say so. And knowing that, do you want to practice the disciplines of solitude and silence? Can you do it without placing any expectations on God. Be encouraged, these things are called Disciplines for a reason, they take practice!

If you think you want to begin practicing this Discipline here are some tips to get started. 

1. Begin your day by praying for God to set in your heart the right motivations for practising this discipline.
2. Find a quiet spot with no distractions. There is likely a local retreat centre near you that offers solitude retreats. A church sanctuary or back yard will also do but because I work at my church and have three kids and a dog at home I really need to be in a different space to be fruitful in my practice. 
3. An 8 hour retreat is great but whatever amount of time you have to dedicate to prayer is good. Ruth Haley Barton says “whatever space we make for God he will fill.” He is so faithful in this. So if you are a mom of young kids or have other reasons that you can’t be away for a day just make due with whatever time you can make.   
4.  Pack a bag with prayer day essentials. Resources can include your Bible, a journal and art supplies if you find it hgelpful to worship through creativity. Planning for food is also important if you are not fasting as having to stop in to buy lunch can break up your silence and solitude! Technology can be useful for music or photography, but please turn off any social media, calendars, or email on your device. Ask another person to be your emergency contact during your solitude retreat so you don’t feel compelled to answer calls or texts unnecessarily.

If you have any questions about this or feedback feel free to drop a comment!